I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
