I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
