sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
