nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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