I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
