She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
