i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
