I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
