I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
