I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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