I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
