so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He passed out mid-signature
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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