I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
