your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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