I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
