You just made me feel so damn special
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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