I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
