i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We got so high we made milksteak
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
