someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
