After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
