New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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