Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
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We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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