Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
