Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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