His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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