The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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