he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
