He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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