dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
