does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
