Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Randomize
