went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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