nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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