Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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