I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
