No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I pour the whiskey from now on
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
