I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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