So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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