oh god the rape fog is back!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
