Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hippo gnu deer
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
