You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
