I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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