Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
