I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
