Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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