When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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