The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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