pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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