ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
