I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
