apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
