The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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