just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
